out of africa

{Hello? Is this thing on? Can you even hear me over the sound of crickets?} Hi. It's been a while, I know. And while I could never do it justice, I'm gonna try to fill you in on the past couple months...

My first week or so in Africa seemed like an emotional roller coaster. Experiencing so many conflicting emotions, sometimes all at the same time, made my heart feel like she had whiplash. I was glad to be back, and yet familiar things brought equal measures of nostalgia and heartache. The acuteness of it all faded with each passing day. I feel like the length of my trip -- though long in every respect -- was a gift in that it gave me enough time for things to become "normal" again. In a way they hadn't felt in a long time.

I hit the ground running and was extremely busy with work. Long, full, tiring days were a distraction for my heart, which was both good and bad at times. And then, right when He knew I'd need it, God forced me to process rather than push it off.

I am a contributing author to a book being published in September. (Crazy, right?!) My portion of the manuscript had been turned in a month or so before I left, causing the editing process to fall smack in the middle of my time in Africa. Ummm... Wow. It was no coincidence that God had me revisit my memoir-style piece about following Him to and eventually from Africa while actually in Africa. It was h-a-r-d. So very hard. But so, so good.

I really enjoyed the whole editing process, though it was strenuous and heart-stretching in every possible way. I am excited about the new direction my writing took because I worked on it on my first trip back to Africa. And I am really thankful for the forced outlet of processing. My heart is stronger for it.

I had an amazing time with Love Botswana and Bridge for Hope. I am beyond grateful that I get to work with these incredible organizations, and I'm already looking forward to my next trip back to Southern Africa at the end of August.

I'm pretty sure my body has no idea what timezone I'm in. I arrived back in Nashville on Thursday. Less than 24 hours later, I hopped a plane to Oregon to surprise my Best Heart's Friend Cathi with a weekend visit. Her awesome husband helped me plan the whole thing so I could be there for their son's first birthday. Lincoln is my godson, and I didn't want to miss his big day! We had a blast of a weekend, filled with couch time and laughter and hugs and cake. What a gift it was to be there and to have my heart filled up with friends.

And now... I am really happy to be home in Nashville. I love to travel and feel crazy blessed that I get to, but I also love having a home to come back to. I'm a roots and wings girl after all.

From Africa to the west coast and now back in Central Time... Here's to the joys of jet lag (and NyQuil)!

Oh! I've been let out of Twitter purgatory! After 30 days -- with 7 support tickets filed and 0 contact from Twitter -- my account was reactivated just as randomly and explanationlessly as it had been suspended. So weird. (Thank you to all of you who implored the powers-that-be on my behalf!)

Well, I've got a suitcase to unpack and laundry to wash and a roommate to catch up on The Voice with. I'll talk to you again soon.

I promise.

on trust

Trust has always been a challenge for me. After my husband had a long-term affair with my friend, and then decided to leave... well, let's just say my trust issues multiplied. Exponentially.

When sharing with a friend about how hard it is to bounce back from that, and to learn to trust again, she said, "Remember the people you can trust and focus on them."

Solid words.

BUT...

Five years ago, I thought I could trust my husband. And I did.

See, my problem with trust isn't when it's misused by people I know I can't trust to begin with. My problem is when those I believe I can trust, end up abusing it.

So I find myself living in this tension of the desire to dig deep, live all-in, and trust those closest to me, with the reality that all of us are fallible and anyone can fall. Myself included.

I'm not really sure where it leaves me, except in a place of wrestling with who and how I should trust. What does healthy trust look like? How do I keep putting my heart out there after it's been trampled by the untrustworthiness of those who should have been trustworthy?

As always, I have more questions than answers...

Have you dealt with this in your own life? How do you navigate trust after it's been broken?

Originally posted on A Deeper Story. Read the comments there >

twitter time-out

It seems Twitter has put me on a time-out. I have no idea why, but my account got suspended about 2 weeks ago. I filled out a support ticket to notify Twitter—and emailed them multiple times—but as of yet, I haven't heard anything back. It's so frustrating!

So no, I haven't unfollowed you. I'm not ignoring you. And I haven't been abducted by African militia. I'm alive and well. Just Twitter-less.

When my internet is working, I'm posting to Instagram (I'm @gritandglory there too). So be sure to follow me there so we can at least interact that way.

I miss you guys! I'd love to hear what's going on in your world. So how about we swap highs and lows?

My high this week was... hmmm... I really suck at narrowing things down to only one. So I'm gonna pick two. My high work-wise was walking through the construction site of Love Botswana's new Life Centre. It is going to be the new home for their church, offices, and outreach programs—and will have the first indoor gymnasium in the country! It is really exciting and encouraging to see a dream come to life so tangibly.

My other high was the first down/slow night since we got here. Linda (my colleague) and I had a Friends marathon the other night. We did nothing but laugh, and it was definitely good medicine!

My low is feeling exhausted. I've seriously been so tired. Between high pain days, the heat, and a very full work schedule, I've just been worn out and seriously dragging...

What's your high and low from this week?

embracing uncertainty

I am learning to live in the tension of uncertainty. To simply embrace it, rather than fight it. Because contending with it doesn't get me anywhere. It doesn't yield answers or bring clarity or cause lightbulb moments of understanding.

Because honestly, more often than not, there aren't really answers to be found or resolution to be sought.

God promised to redeem all things. He never said they'd make sense.

That's why He gives peace that surpasses our understanding. While there's a lot I will never understand, I can be anchored by peace even in the tumultuous seas of ambiguity.

God shines brightest in contradictions. There is wholeness in brokenness. Sufficiency in weakness. Strength in surrender. Honor in humility.

I've equally found Him to be ever-present in the contradictions of my life. Those moments and seasons that seem contrary to His character and inconsistent with where He'd been leading me. Those situations that pull the rug out from under me and even those that shatter my world and my heart.

He is right there with me in those painful, dark, confusing contradictions. Ever calling me to trust and to let go of my need to understand.

Faith and uncertainty can dance together.

Not canceling each other out, but also not at odds with each other. Both beautiful in their honesty and gut-level rawness. Lord, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.

And so I am choosing to live in the tension of the contradictions, and to trust that He is redeeming even what will never make sense.

Because I know that redeeming what is hopelessly irreconcilable is His specialty...

monday morning confession

I'm pretty sure I just had my most embarrassing moment. Right here in Maun, Botswana.

Yesterday after church I grabbed lunch with some friends at this little café across the street from the airport. It was 94 degrees, so we sat way in the back of the restaurant, next to the giant open windows to enjoy the slight breeze. I ran to the bathroom right before we left, and then we all walked over to the coffee shop upstairs in the airport.

Right when we got to the counter, one of my friends started pulling frantically at the back of my skirt.

The bottom of it was stuck in the waistline!

I turned every imaginable shade of red and then some, and hastily fixed my skirt. And then my eyes got huge as I backtracked in my mind and realized it must've happened upon exiting the bathroom. Because that meant I'd walked All. That. Way. like that!

All the way through the restaurant from our table in the back, across the street, into the airport, up the stairs, and into the coffee shop. Oh. My. Dang!

Maun saw quite a bit more of me than I intended, that's for sure.

Okay, your turn.

[see previous monday morning confessions...]