worship on a high pain day

I don't talk about my health issues very often. Or with very many people. For lots of reasons.

Not the least of which is that I have more questions than answers, both in terms of actual diagnosis as well as my heart's processing of it all.

So this post feels like a tremendous risk for me.

It felt frighteningly risky when I began writing it a month ago. And it feels even more so today as it goes live online.

So I'm holding my breath. And doing it afraid.

Because maybe my questions will help someone else. Even if it's only to let them know they're not the only one asking...

... ... ...

'Worship' photo (c) 2009, Renee Youngblood - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

I believe You're my Healer I believe You are all I need I believe You're my Portion I believe You're more than enough for me Jesus, You're all I need

That song gets me every single time...

I have a love/hate relationship with it because I always feel challenged to sing the words honestly. Even more so this Sunday morning, because...

It's a high pain day.

I battle chronic health issues, some days worse than others. Today is one of those days. And today, the aches have settled angrily in my hands and arms.

Since I woke up, I've been subconsciously massaging my hands. Rubbing my arms. Trying hard to find some small bit of relief however possible.

And then that song starts.

You walk with me through fire And heal all my disease I trust in You...

Oh my heart...

I'm left whispering that simple prayer that seems to be all I can muster at times like this: I believe, Lord. Help me in my unbelief.

So I lift my sore arms Heavenward and declare -- maybe mostly to myself -- "I believe You're my healer... I trust in You... Nothing is impossible for You..."

My heart wrestles through the tension of trusting that God heals, despite the fact that He may never heal me here on earth.

I've seen Him heal. I've watched it with my own eyes. I've seen Him do it through my own hands.

I've witnessed cataract-clouded eyes opening, lame men dancing, deaf ears hearing for the first time. I've experienced scores of miraculous healings. And yet, every day, I live with pain.

So my heart continues to wrestle through the tension of faith.

How do I reconcile what I believe to be true with what I actually experience everyday?

I don't know that I can.

Maybe all I can do is choose to keep wrestling. To worship Him anyway, with my pain-ridden hands held high. To acknowledge with honesty, "God, I don't get it... but I want to trust You. I need to trust You. Help me trust You."

Painfully praising.

Wincing in worship.

It isn't mine to understand. It is only mine to trust. Even in the pain. And the uncertainty. And the heartache.

I'm not called to understand the mind of God. I'm only called to pursue His heart.

And to trust that ultimately His heart is for my good and His glory, no matter what.

So even though I may not get it, I want Him to still get me.

All of me.

High pain days, wrestling heart, unanswered questions, and all...

Originally posted at Deeper Story. Read the comments there >

looking

Look. Four letters.

One word.

My OneWord.

This whole year I've wanted to remain mindful of my need to look for God in the midst of the grit. Because, at least for me, it takes an intentional choice to seek Him where He seems nowhere to be found.

I've slacked off lately.

And with only 46 days left in the year (?!), I want to end well. Strong. Focused. Determined.

So I am looking.

I choose to seek His face not His hand.

His heart not His gifts.

Him.

Above all else.

"Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." -Psalm 34:5

we have a voice

Yesterday, I asked a question on Twitter to get the input of my online community. And wow, did I ever get input!

My question?

Who would you say is an influential, inspirational, creative FEMALE voice? Why?

And the flood of responses was overwhelming.

I was surprised by all the guys who tweeted back! Thank you, men, for stepping up and shining light on the women you admire and respect.

And women, thank you for highlighting the many strong women who add so much to your own lives.

I ended up spending hours going through all the names. Many familiar to me... some dear friends... a plethora I'd never heard of before. Until now.

The women on this list span the globe.

They are authors, speakers, artists, musicians, photographers, CEOs, moms...

And all of them? Strong voices of creativity, inspiration, and influence.

Quite a few people asked to see all the names that came in, so I compiled them into a list, along with the "why"s people shared. I've included website and Twitter links, so you can easily start following these incredible women.

Each of us, no matter where we are or what we do, has a voice.

We have influence. We have listeners. We have followers.

(And I'm not just talking the Twitter-kind of followers... Think about your 3-year-old following you around the house, trying to do what you do. Think about your friends who ask for your advice. Think about your spouse, committed to doing life with you. Believe it or not, you have followers.)

People are listening. They are watching. They are being impacted by us, even when we are unaware.

Think about your voice today.

And what you want people to hear...

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Take some time to meet and connect with these amazing women around the world. And let us know who you would add to the list, and why.

Allison Buzard | allisonbuzard.com | @AllisonBuzard Her perspective on how faith influences social work systems is unique in a culture clamoring for 'social justice'

Ally Spotts | allyspotts.com | @allyspotts Courageous faith-walker and bold truth-teller

Amena Brown Owen | amenabrown.com | @amenabee Poet like you've never seen, heard, or experienced; she breathes life through her spoken words

Amy Becker | amyjuliabecker.com | @amyjuliabecker Honest, smart, beautiful writer

Angie Magnino | smangiemag.blogspot.com | @graceinseason Powerhouse of creativity and leadership

Anne Jackson | annejacksonwrites.com | @AnneJackson Truth written in beauty

Ashley Campbell | ashleyannphotography.com/blog Beautiful writer and photographer; Inspirationally teaches her kids to care for the world

Ashley Smith | @ashleyasmith A passionate voice for grace

Beth Moore | blog.lproof.org | @BethMooreLPM Gifted communicator of God's Word

Bianca Olthoff | blog.inthenameoflove.org | @BiancaOlthoff Says it like it is; Biblically sound and unafraid to speak the truth

Bobbie Houston | coloursisterhood.com | @bobbiehouston Strong leader, pioneer, unique thinker

Candace Cameron Bure |  candacecameronbure.net |  @candacecbure An incredible, Godly role model in Hollywood

Caryn Rivadeneira | carynrivadeneira.com | @carynrivadeneir Candid and authentic about the intersection of life and faith

Chimamanda Adichie | Her TED talk Beautifully weaves African history, stories, and heritage into poignant relevant truths

Christine Caine | equipandempower.com | @ChristineCaine Powerful, passionate teacher of truth; Rescuing women who've been victims of sex trafficking

Danah Boyd | zephoria.org/thoughts | @zephoria She's a genius

Darlene Zschech | darlenezschech.com | @darlenezschech Surrendered heart of worship

Emily Thomas | cancercardxchange.org | @eticklethomas Followed her passion and drive to start a nonprofit with potential to change lives, and the best mom I've ever known

Idelette McVicker | idelette.com | @idelette Passionate about raising our collective voices to bring down the walls of injustice

Jamie Wright | theveryworstmissionary.com | @JamieTheVWM Raw honesty with a little bit of crazy goodness

Jen Lemen | hopefulworld.org | @jenlemen Smart and inspiring

Jennifer White | jenniferowhite.com | @jenniferowhite Full of grace and wisdom

Jenny Jones | jennybjones.com | @JenBJones Shows how a woman can be funny without being crass, brilliant without dumbing herself down for men, and vulnerable without being mushy

Jill Sweetman | jillsweetman.com | @jillsweetman Amazing pastor with a heart for marriage, parenting, and relational issues

Jonalyn Fincher | soulation.org/jonalynblog Intelligent, articulate, and redefines Biblical womanhood

Juli Slattery | facebook.com/JuliSlattery | @DrJuliSlattery Wise, grounded reflections

Karen Hammons | karenhammons.mobi | @karenhammons Encouraging advocate for grace

Karen Walrond | karenwalrond.com | @Chookooloonks Refreshing perspective

Kim Miller | redesigningworship.com | @kimmmiller Giftedly creative woman

Laura Story | laurastorymusic.com | @LauraStoryMusic Honest, thoughtful, and worshipful

Mandy Steward | messycanvas.com | @messycanvas Original and amazingly creative

Margaret Feinberg | margaretfeinberg.com | @mafeinberg One of the most passionate speakers I've ever heard; amazingly creative teacher

Mary DeMuth | marydemuth.com | @MaryDeMuth Transparent thinker who inspires others; Generous with her ideas, resources, and encouragement

Mary Ellen Mark | maryellenmark.com Tells a compelling story in her photography

Nancy Duarte | duarte.com | @nancyduarte Revolutionizing communication

Nicola Hulks | nicolahulks.blogspot.com | @nicolahwriter Never afraid to be herself, takes huge steps of faith, gifted writer who uses her influence for good

Nicole Cottrell | modernreject.com | @modernreject Hip, funny, cool, and can jab people with Scripture and truth; Powerful writer, pulls no punches, challenging/inspiring faith; Someone I'd want to lead my church

Priscilla Shirer | goingbeyond.com | @PriscillaShirer Powerfully influential speaker

Rachel Snyder | thelazychristian.com | @LazyChristian Outspoken, candid, truth-speaker

Renee Ronika Klug | quietanthem.blogspot.com | @reneeronika Passionate to see women restored to freedom

Sarah Brown | gordonandsarahbrown.com | @SarahBrownUK So wise and strong, yet so down to earth

Sarah Cunningham | sarahcunningham.org | @sarahcunning In her element with creativity and influence; Has vision for tomorrow and brings others into it; Speaks directly to this generation with authenticity

Shauna Niequist | shaunaniequist.com | @sniequist Honest about life and faith

Stephanie Smith | stephaniessmith.com | @stephindialogue Encourages me through her writing about beauty and creativity

Sunny Cain | sunnycain.blogspot.com | @sunnycain Challenges me to live up to God's best; Honest, gentle, wise beyond her years

Tamara Lunardo | tamaraoutloud.com | @tamaraoutloud Epitomizes creativity, balance, grace, and beauty -- in words, in life, in faith, in action

Teresa Robinson | rightbrainplanner.com | @stargardener Things that felt impossible for me feel possible in her presence

Tina Francis | shelovesmagazine.com | @teenbug Embraces risk, hopes against hope

Tracee Persiko | traceepersiko.com | @traceepersiko Knows her stuff and her passion is contagious; Loves deeply, makes people feel seen and valued, communicates God's truth from the overflow of her heart

Vicky Beeching | vickybeeching.com | @vickybeeching Creative, inspiring, pioneer

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Who else would you add to the list? Why? (Please include links so it's easy for everyone to find & follow them.)