relationships

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time to talk about it

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Depression is a sign of weak faith. I don't know that I was ever told those exact words, but growing up, it was certainly conveyed to me that a depressed Christian is a bad Christian. A depressed Christian obviously lacks a strong relationship with God. A depressed Christian just needs to pray more, speak words of faith, and spend more time in the Bible. A depressed Christian gives Jesus---and the Church---a bad name.

That kind of thinking kept me bound in a prison. Forced me to suffer quietly. Because... Well...

I'm depressed. And I have been for a while.

My life is rich in many, many ways. I love God; I've followed Him my whole life; I've served Him passionately on the mission field for over a decade. I have people in my life who love me deeply and whom I love deeply in return.

But I'm also facing the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. And it's left me struggling with depression for almost two years.

Do I have weak faith? Sometimes. (So thankfully all I need is a mustard seed sized dollop of it.) But I know now that my depression isn't a reflection of my faith.

And I'm so sorry for ever thinking anyone else's was a reflection of theirs.

thoughts from the quiet girl

Those who know me best know I'm not always quiet. But I often am. Especially in a crowd.

And even more especially with a group of strangers I'm supposed to suddenly connect with on some deep level.

Then I'm definitely the quiet one.

There are a lot of reasons why---some I'm aware of and some I'm not able to see clearly just yet. I know underlying most of them is the trust factor.

I strongly value trust and trustworthiness. So situations where I'm supposed to open up to people I don't yet trust---forced sharing, if you will---make me largely uncomfortable.

I was in a situation like that a few days ago. People all around me were sharing freely, and I just kept thinking, "I'm not built that way." I didn't say very much, and while I was okay with my reservedness, I found myself wondering what it made the others think.

I fear that my quietness makes people assume things about me which are not only unintended but also inaccurate. I'm afraid I might come across as arrogant, stuffy, or annoyed.

(Feeling misunderstood is one of the worst things for me.)

So I'd love your honest input:

What assumptions do you make about the quiet person in a group?

[Feel free to comment anonymously if you can be more honest that way.]

housekeeping!

I've been on vacation for almost a week. Well, kind of. Being with my sweet friend Tracee felt like a vacation; the fact that we were in Ohio did not. (No offense, Ohioans. I'm guessing that even you'd prefer to vacate out of state!)

We talked about everything and nothing, and anything in between. And we set the bar high on doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every minute of it.

This much I know is true: Tracee is good for me.

And now I miss her. (Again.)

Vacation is over. Back to real life...

What's been the highlight of the past week for you?

four-minute friday: he held both

Go. I can't shake this thought, even though it's really hard for me to dwell on right now:

Jesus hung on that cross to take more than my own sins. He also hung there to carry the sins of others that hurt me deeply. And in that same instant, He hung there to carry the pain and sorrow I feel because of those sins against me.

In the very same moment, He held both. Wept for both. Bore the eternal burden of both.

So that both of us could be free.

Done.