burden of leadership

I've been pondering the burden of leadership. Let me explain... A lot of people have come through the revolving door of our ministry in the past decade: interns, mission team members, staff. Many others are tied into us through their support. All in all, we have a huge spiderwebbed network of people that are connected to Thrive Africa. And that makes them connected to Niel and I.

While I don't personally stay in touch with every single person in the Thrive spiderweb, I correspond with as many as I can (and as many as want to write back!) and we pray often for our entire extended family.

The past few weeks have unraveled some heartbreaking things that are going on in our family members' lives. It culminated this morning with the news---before 8 AM, mind you---that two people had just lost loved ones.

And it's left my heart feeling heavy.

So I'm wrestling with this whole burden of leadership thing. I know I'm not responsible for people, only to them. I know I can't carry the burdens that others carry in their lives. I know that allowing myself to get "emotionally involved" with even a fraction of the thousands of people that are connected with Thrive is more than I could ever handle. I know that I can't be everyone's fixer, that I can't always have the answer, that I can't always be there for people. I know all of that.

But that still doesn't make it any easier to hear that people I know and love are facing

• the deaths of two family members within 9 months

• sexual abuse at the hands of someone they should've been able to trust

• unceasing physical pain

• emotional scars and hurts that have festered for years

• inexplicable health problems

• a long road ahead due to horribly wrong life decisions

What are your thoughts on the burden of leadership? Where's the line between compassion and an unhealthy taking-it-on-yourself-ness? How much caring is too much, and how much is not enough?

saying goodbye (again)

As we explored my Grandma's hometown, I saw her all around me: in the expression on an old woman's face, in the butcher shops and bakeries, in people's mannerisms, in the abundance of food and wine. Knowing that the city looks totally different now than it did in 1926 when Gram left for America didn't at all take away from the sense that I was walking where she walked. While the streets and buildings aren't the same ones she saw, the mountains are. The ocean is. I smile even now, just thinking about being where my Gram spent the first thirteen years of her life. I hope she was smiling from Heaven at the sight of Niel and I, hand in hand, walking the streets of her beloved Palermo.

Our last day there, we walked along the pier with a dried rose in our hands. At my Grandma's funeral, Niel saved the rose that was intended to be tossed atop her grave along with the rest of the family's. He brought it back to Africa and then to Italy. We stood together on the pier for a long while; I cried as I held the rose in my hand.

And then I let it go. I tossed it gently into the water. Niel held me and we cried together.

In those moments I was so overwhelmed by both how much I miss my Gram and how much I love my husband. Niel's thoughtfulness to even think about doing this made me feel so loved, and seeing tears stream down his face left me confident of how deeply he loves me.

Walking away from that pier, I felt more peace than I had in a long time...

fauxhawk for funds

I've been home for about four hours. (Does anyone even still check my blog!?) So far I've...

• cleaned out and restocked my fridge (after a quick stop at the grocery store)
• made cappuccinos (we miss Italy!)
• weeded through my work emails (all I did was delete trash)
• transferred PayPal donations (praise God for His provision)
• scribbled a few "I'm home!" emails (if you didn't get one... I'm home!)
• gasped when I saw 767 posts in my Google Reader (uhhh, that's gonna take a while), and ...
• checked out what the interns have been up to on Facebook.

There's lots swirling in my head about our trip, but I'm saving my thoughts till I have more time to write a real blog post. (Or three. Or seven.)

In the meanwhile, if you've got three minutes to spare, check this out. Niel placed a challenge before our interns just days before we left for our vacation:

If they can raise $2,000 for the ministry, they can cut his hair however they want---and he'll keep it that way for their entire debriefing trip!

Wanna get in on the action? You can see the interns' progress, make a donation, and share a suggestion for Niel's haircut right here. And of course you'll see pictures of my husbter's new do on haircut day!

I'm off to unpack!

PS -- I've missed you guys!

one step further

How many times have I said, "I never want to be like that" or "I don't ever want to do things the way that person does them"? More times than I can count. But it's not enough for me to say I don't want to do something.

I can hate something---truly loathe an attitude or action---but if all I do is think about the fact that I don't want to do that same thing, I'm not doing enough. I need to proactively think through what I will replace it with. Otherwise with all my mental space focusing on what I don't want to do, when I find myself in that situation, that very thing is probably going to be my first reaction.

Instead, I need to think about what I should do in its place.

I need to take more time to process through the things I've seen and experienced that I dislike and that I swear I don't want in my own life. I need to take it one step further and discover for myself what I will replace those things with, by using common sense, God's Word, and the input of those I trust and respect.

It's not enough to just say "I'll never do that!" I need to determine what I will do.

kitty litter

I just reread an email a friend sent me after my surgery a few weeks ago. I saved it in my inbox because I knew I wanted to read it again. But I couldn't remember exactly why when I clicked on it tonight. And then I got to the last sentence.

"Oh, and Kitty... I sure am glad you woke up."

There is so much love, understanding, and care wrapped into that sentence. My heart can feel the hug of Amy's words in a way not many will ever understand.

And soon I'll be hugging her back. For real.

Our dearest friends arrive in South Africa today, after about 24 hours of travel with two kids under three: my Peaberry namesake and my raspberry-loving Siloh. I cannot wait.

Off to pick up some Kitties!