when life is hard

Life is hard right now. I let out a "Heh" (with an eye-roll) as I write that, because "right now" has spanned the past two years. No, make that four years. But my immediate right now is still just... really hard.

It's dark. Dry. Barren. Cold. Unrelenting.

I've endured more transition in these few years than I could ever imagine facing in a lifetime. An unfaithful spouse. A divorce (which still isn't final). The forced-closing of the ministry I pioneered. The loss of my home. Moving back to America after 13 years in Africa.

And those are just the big things. Each one brings with it a myriad of "small" losses and griefs and heartaches. Even now, I feel a thousand aches from the thousand small things that happened this week alone.

I've been through the ringer.

The trouble is? There's still no end in sight.

My days remain filled with the details of closing Thrive. Thirteen years, sixty staff members, thousands of supporters, and a ministry that spanned two continents doesn't wrap up easily.

And as each loose end gets tied, I have yet another breakdown. I feel like I should be grateful for the bit of relief and closure that comes with each segment of finality, but instead... they just rip open the raw wound of my broken heart.

Again.

I have lost everything.

And in some moments I feel like "everything" includes my head. And my heart.

I've lost me.

And I'm not quite sure how to find me again. I'm not even sure I have enough fight left in me for the search.

So it was with agonizing tears that I committed to look this year. To look for hope. For light. For Him. For me.

To look for life.

It hurts just to open my eyes. The sting of grief and the brace for more disappointment makes me wince. But I told Him I'd look. Though it hurts. Though I may not like what I see. Though I may be scared... I will look.

And He assures me I will find.

I'd settle for feeling found.

holy crap!

I've gotta be honest with you. I never expected One Word to explode the way it did!

It has taken me completely by surprise. Overwhelming in the best of ways!

I wasn't trying to start a movement. Or a revolution. Or ... anything really. I don't propose to have "invented" the idea or to be the first person to choose a solitary word to focus their life on.

I was simply sharing my commitment to live the next 365 days through the lens of a single word, just like I did before. And I invited my friends to join me.

To my amazement, the next thing I know... my inbox is being lit up by blog comments and Twitter follows and sign-ups on that linky-thing! CRAZY! Even now, all I can do is shake my head because it's just that wild!

And it kept exploding...

A friend coined an "official" Twitter hashtag and created an online Daily Paper to track everyone's blog posts. Another friend bought the domain OneWord2011.com and made it link to my site. Yet another friend set up a Facebook page for those who don't do the Twitter thing.

Un-be-frickin-lievable!

And so incredibly humbling.

I don't know why it resonated more strongly and spread more widely this year than last. I honestly don't. But it has. And it's still growing.

And it excites me and scares me all at the same time.

The power to influence one another's lives as we pursue our One Words together is astounding. There is enough momentum to keep everyone focused and moving forward all year long. People are praying for each other, encouraging one another, brainstorming practical ways to live out their words. Iron is sharpening iron, and it is absolutely mind-blowing to watch and be part of. It's exciting! Really, really exciting.

The fear comes in because of all my insecurities. They are many. And they run deep. I also feel totally unprepared for what happened. I don't even know what that means or why that matters, but it kind of freaks me out. I'm scared of failure, rejection, having nothing to offer, being misunderstood... I'm scared. But I'm doing it afraid.

Because I know how significant my One Word was in my life last year. How choosing to risk shaped my life and my heart. And I want to live everyday this year looking. No matter what.

I want us all to live out our words well.

This is so much bigger than me. This is about community. Doing life together. Pushing one another to be more like Christ.

This isn't about hype. Or hoopla. Or numbers. As exciting as all that may be.

This is about real, determined, intentional life-change.

And boy do I need me some of that!

one word 2011 community

I am so grateful I don't have to journey alone. (I know I wouldn't get very far if I did...) Together, we can encourage one another in our One Word commitments. We can push, pull, and drag when necessary to help each other move forward. (In love, of course.)

Life is truly best lived together.

Want to read about others embarking on this One Word journey? Browse through their blogs, and link up your One Word post as well.

one word: look

Look. That's my One Word for this new year.

There is so much I want to see in my life, but I realized that I won't see it until I start looking for it. So this year, I'm committed to live looking.

I'm going to look for God's hand even when I can't feel it. Look for Him in the darkness when I can't see His light. Look for Him in the obscure and simple parts of my day. Of my life.

He is not a God who is far off. He is not distant or uninvolved. He is right here, in the messy fabric of my life, but I miss Him more often than I see Him because I don't bother to look.

He often shows up in ways I don't expect, takes on a form or face I'd never imagine. I can walk right by Him and not even realize it.

I don't want to miss Him anymore.

I want eyes to see Him at work, using my "all things" for my good and His glory. Eyes to discover more of His heart and character displayed in the people around me. Eyes to spot His hand holding mine when I feel nothing but alone.

I want to see Him, even when my eyes are clenched tight---in fear or grief or exhaustion. I want to see Him in my moments, in my darkness, in my brokenness. See Him where I haven't seen Him before.

I want to live my life more aware of His presence... His protection... His provision.

I want to look for God in my pain, actively trusting that He is right here with me in it.

I want to see Him.

But first I have to look for Him.

:::

What about you? What's your One Word for 2011? If you blog about it, link to your One Word post below...

Grab a graphic for your blog >

one word 2011

I've never been a New Year's resolutions girl. I just can't bring myself to do it. I think I tried once. And a few months later when I couldn't even remember what my resolutions were --- or where my list was --- I felt like a miserable failure.

And I've never resolutioned again.

But last year I decided to choose one word to focus on. My own personal non-resolution resolution.

No list. No specifics. No goals. Just one word.

Risk.

And I stayed mindful of it all year.

It helped me make decisions. Take steps. Share my heart. It spurred me on. Challenged me. Inspired me. I loved it and I hated it, but I didn't forget it.

It was just one word.

But it made a huge difference in my year. In my life.

Many of you joined me in the one word challenge. All year, I journeyed with you through your blog posts, twitter statuses, and conversations. I watched as you embraced your word. As you allowed it to lead you through your year. As God used it to mold and shape you.

One word.

One simple, powerful word.

It's time to choose a new one for the new year.

I finally settled on mine. It felt like a difficult decision. I had lists of options. All good words. All things I want to be, or live, or do. But ultimately, I needed to choose just one.

And in line with the rest of 2010, I had to risk even in this.

Which, after the year I've had, feels like no small thing.

But I felt like God was drawing me to this word. Like it was less about me choosing it and more about it choosing me.

So I held my breath, shut my welly eyes tight, and committed to it.

Will you consider one-wording it with us this year?

Maybe a solitary word grabs your heart right this moment. Maybe, like me, you need to make a list and then ask Him to guide you from there.

And then let's walk this road together. As a community. As a family.

What do you want to focus on in 2011?

Who do you want to be?

You can do this.

We can do this.

Together.

One Word 2011.

Grab a graphic for your blog >