disease of utility

I tend to need a reason to do things. Re-reading that statement, that sounds completely logical to me. Maybe it doesn't for everybody; I don't know.

On the one hand, it is a positive characteristic. I am purposeful. Intentional. Strategic. I aim for efficiency and efficacy. I multi-task. I put my hand to the plow, and I don't look back. I do all that I do with all that I am.

On the other hand, it is a negative characteristic. I find it challenging to relax. To rest. To do nothing. I find it difficult to even do just one thing at a time, because I am so accustomed to trying to maximize every moment by doing as much as possible.

A book I recently read gave me a word to describe this trait: utilitarian.

Utilitarian: Believing value lies in usefulness; exhibiting or stressing utility over other values; practical

Utility: Serving primarily for practical use rather than beauty

Everything I do, I seek to justify on the grounds of its usefulness.

When I found myself flushing the toilet (which demands that I hold the handle for 5 seconds rather than the typical 1) while opening the bathroom door (which is quite a reach from the toilet handle) and trying to shut off the light at the same time, I figured it was worth a closer look...

It's like there's a strong desire/need to not miss a single thing. Even if nothing significant is happening, a wasted moment is a wasted moment. I run everywhere (even when I can take my time and use the entire day for errands; even when the commercial break is long enough to not require a sprint to the kitchen).

It's like my brain thinks I'm not productive (and therefore not successful?) if I'm not cramming as much as possible into my waking hours.

Disease. The disease of utility.

Has the disease spread from my brain to my heart? Do I see myself as a person whose value is determined solely on the basis of my usefulness? Do I envision God creating me "primarily for practical use rather than beauty"? Not really... Intrinsically, I know the truth. I have value simply because I am. Not because I do. I just need to remind myself of that. Often.

I'm learning to take a deep breath. To slow down. To not feel guilty for taking a two-hour lunch break. (GASP!)

To discover, again, that I was created to be, not to do.

day with dad

My dad and I went out for lunch yesterday. To Costco. It's been a long time since I've strolled the aisles of Costco with Dad, enjoying a "meal" of free sample foods. Aaah, good times...

We ventured from there to our local grocery store. As we walked down the toiletry aisle, there was an elderly gentleman perusing the shampoo items. As Dad sauntered by, the guy called out for assistance.

Old Man: "Excuse me. Do you know which one of these is a shampoo for men?"

Dad: "Uh... I think Head & Shoulders is for that."

Dad & I in Ballito, South Africa
Christmas 2004

lake effect

It is pouring outside. And very windy. So when my computer let me know that there's a "severe weather alert" for my area, I figured I should check it out.

I followed the link, and was greatly concerned by what I read...

It's a little frightening to know that Lake Ontario is going to cross our area tonight. Think I'll be staying indoors this evening... And now I know they're not playing around when they say "severe weather alert".

the red cup of happiness

For years I've said that my favorite time of year (in America) is the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the whole atmosphere of this month leading up to Christmas---the white-light-outlined homes, the Christmas music, the holiday scents and sights... Today, I discovered a new marker for the start of my beloved Christmas season: the launch of the Starbucks red cup.

Most stores have had their Christmas decorations on display since right after Halloween. Some were so brazen as to put them up before Halloween. So seeing the mall decorated for Christmas was no surprise today.

But when I walked into Starbucks and saw not just Christmas decor, but someone walking out with a red cup, I couldn't help but smile really big! The cup is great, and my gingerbread latte in it was perfect.

There's just something warm-fuzzy festive about drinking a holiday flavored coffee in a holiday themed cup. It doesn't get much better than that.

Now I guess my new favorite time of year is: from the launch of Starbucks' red cup through Christmas...

resisting change

I've had my Bible for 10 years. I got my Student Bible just before my second mission trip to Botswana. It has served me well this past decade, traveling with me throughout Africa, Europe, and America.

It is well-worn and comfortable. My notes, underlines, papers, highlights, photos, and stickers that completely surround and fill my trusty Bible have made it my own. When the cover started falling off, I patched it with duct tape. I've had to add many layers of duct tape since, the most recent being right before we left for the States in August.

I decided the time had unfortunately come for me to retire my Bible. I found and purchased the replacement: a compact NIV Study Bible in black leather with silver trim. It's much nicer to look at than my old Bible -- and much more useful, with all its notes and a concordance actually worth using. But it's not very comfortable...

I need to make it my own. I need to transfer my thoughts and heart from my old Bible to this new one. In thinking through how best to do this, I decided on methodical and orderly -- going through my old Bible, page by page, and copying my underlinings and notes into my new one. This will take me a while.

I've breezed through Genesis and Exodus. I know some books will be fairly quick (not a whole lot of underlining action in Leviticus). I am, however, a bit concerned about Psalms...

Eventually, my new Bible will feel more like it belongs to me, like I'm at home in it. Someday I'll be able to easily find verses in it as well -- verses that I can quickly turn to in my old Bible simply because I know where they are on the page.

For now, I'll keep using my battle-scarred, duct-taped, comfortable Bible...